I don't usually make a point of inflicting pain onto myself. However, that seemed to be exactly what I am doing this morning. I wake up about 5 hours after going to sleep (6am). I played the slate yesterday - the noon slate with more success than the evening - and found myself trying to review hands from the previous session. As I am doing so and finding that my Sunday slate has to be the most pathetic of anyone out there to call themselves a "pro" (when I say pro, it does not directly relate to my skill level versus the average level of the best players in the world- just merely that I do this for a living, as meager as it may be at times). I am also finding that the reason I am waking up so often in the early mornings is that I am dreaming or having nightmares about poker. When you immerse yourself so much into the daily grind of poker (and more frustratingly, playing the micros where even a good day can be only a couple thousand profit), you can find yourself dreaming about the most ridiculous things. While most men probably dream about women or sports (I really don't know, I haven't been normal for many years), I dream about having to milk a short stack late in a $3 rebuy. I dream about how am I going to barrel the river when every draw just got there and I have 40% of my stack already in the pot. You know the movie Inception? It talks about the activity of your brain when in your deep sleep and you awareness that you are dreaming etc? Well, I know I am dreaming - I really do most of the time. The problem that I find is that my brain seems to be working on such a high level that it's like I cannot contain it. It wakes me up and there is no chance of me going back to sleep.
*I don't suppose it helps that I watch poker for the 30-50 hours a week I grind, I listen to poker podcasts when I clean the house, walk the dogs and fall asleep. Or that even in my leisure time I watch every episode of the newest shows on the sports channels.
So now I find myself at 6:50am. Up for an hour checking out the final 3 tables of the FTOPS ME ($640 Buy-in - $1.3 million for first). I am such a poker degen that I am making notes on these players. The odds that I run into them at my tables is very low, however, it might be the optimist in me that thinks I might need to use these notes one day. Let's put this lightly. I am more f*cking jealous of these pricks than I can put into words. Now down to the final 16. Next out gets over $31k. The play is pretty good thought too. There is not one flop, it seems, that is seen without a 4 bet making its appearance. I feel, though, that the play is not out of my level - I just need to get there. Many of these guys have put 6 bullets into this event - $3240! That is more than my current bankroll-!
It's not like I'm saying that I'm the worst in the world or anything - I make money from this, no doubt. I am just lamenting where did I go wrong? There are numerous times in my poker playing career that I can say I probably missed good spots. I don't want to cause I think about them most days. What I do know is that I am too much of a nit when it comes to poker and my bankroll. I am having a decent start to the year - all without running well deep in most of my tourneys. I am playing really well but it can be disheartening to know that you have only $10,500 profit almost two months in and many of the guys that are younger and less experienced than me and playing bigger and better. I hope I can use this as a stepping stone. I am looking for that one big score (not big like most online pros think- but like $20-30k) that will get me going again. I want to keep more money online and get myself more comfortable in my bankroll so I can play the sunday majors and go for a nice score.
I really think the upcoming MiniFTOPS will be quite telling in how my poker career will turn out. If I can make some moves and run deep in one of them I love my chances against the average player. I really can feel it. This year was supposed to be a year of $70k profit - I want more. I don't want to be average but I want to crush the mid stakes. I don't think I would ever play the high stakes MTTS - I don't have the stomach for the swings and frankly don't think I'm good enough. However, I can crush anything $109 and under. We'll see how this coming month or so goes.
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